25. Saints, sinners, & the lot of us in between

Hi friends,

Welcome to the twenty-fifth dispatch of How Humans Flourish, a research-informed newsletter on how humans thrive.

It’s our last week reading Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Dr. Richard Schwartz and I hope it’s provided an interesting, if not provocative, framework for thinking about and understanding the myriad of “parts” within us.

On internal parts, Dr. Schwartz explains, “Emotions and thoughts are much more than they seem…emotions and thoughts emanate from inner personalities I call parts of you. I’m suggesting that what seems like your explosive temper, for example, is more than a bundle of anger. If you were to focus on it and ask it questions, you might learn that it is a protective part of you that defends other vulnerable parts and is in conflict with the parts of you that want to please everyone. It might reveal to you that it has to stay this angry as long as you are so vulnerable and self-sacrificing. You might also learn that it has other feelings, such as fear and sadness, but that it feels as though it must stay in this role of being the angry one to protect you. If you asked it to, it could show you scenes of the point in your life when it was forced into its protective role...Most importantly, it can tell you how you can help to release it so it is no longer stuck in this rageful role. With your help, it can change dramatically into a valuable quality so that you’re no longer plagued with a bad temper; instead, for example, you have an increased ability to assert yourself appropriately.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 10 - Kindle)

There is something quite redemptive about the healing process IFS facilitates. That, in fact, each part of us, even the most seemingly shameful, can be given grace (in a safe container!) so it can speak its truth and explain why it is and how it came to be. And in the process of being heard and understood, it can be released from the cob-webbed shadows of our psyche. It can tenderly and compassionately be allowed light, reprieve, and indeed, even love. 

This is a radical departure from most narratives many of us may have received about our deepest and darkest emotions. In moralistically rigid cultures, we are often trapped between being good and evil, saint and sinner. With such limited options, it can become difficult to explore the complicated terrain of our inner landscape. 

Instead of seeing ourselves within a binary (good or bad), IFS invites us to see the protective parts of ourselves as maladaptations protecting exiles, the “stuck” parts of ourselves carrying the memories, sensations, and emotions of hard or traumatic events from our past.  

Dr. Schwartz explains we have two protector parts: managers and firefighters.

“I call the protective parts that are responsible for our day-to-day safety the managers. For many of us, they are the voices we hear most often, to the point where we come to think of ourselves as those voices or thoughts. While we rely on their opinions, strategies, and judgments, we also feel constrained by or annoyed with them.

…They try to control your relationships and environment so you’re never in a position to be humiliated, abandoned, rejected, attacked, or anything else unexpected and hurtful. They try to control your appearance, performance, emotions, and thoughts for the same reason…Managers interpret the world for you and create the narratives you live by. They are authors and enforcers of the story you have about yourself that is called your identity…Managers are your reality makers. It’s likely that you are so identified with some managers that you’ve lived your entire life without questioning these stories about yourself and the world.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 108 - Kindle)

When I think of managers, I remember a situation that arose for my cousin just a week ago. She’s an executive at a Fortune 500, and so, whenever I receive a midday call from her, I know something is happening at work. 

On the phone, she explained quickly that she was heading a small team to put up the office display for Juneteenth, and while she loved this responsibility (in fact, she headed the team last year), this go-round the team was suggesting working on the display during work hours…where any and everyone could walk by and see them.

I asked what was different between this year and last, and she shared that last year she could work on it when no one was in the office. While she felt comfortable leading from a place of anonymity, being so visible about a polarizing and political topic felt too scary and vulnerable. 

Coming back to the idea of maladaptation– my cousin’s internal manager is an incredibly hypervigilant people pleaser. This allows her to navigate corporate culture with immense ease, but in moments when an authentic desire conflicts with her people pleasing manager, I often get a call. 

Generally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice and accommodating person, but I know some things most don’t.

I know her and my mother fled war in Uganda as political asylums. I know we witnessed our mothers work as maids in hotels and bed and breakfasts. I know she feels the world is often cruel and unforgiving to Africans. I know she sometimes feels embarrassed and ashamed by our childhood. I know she prefers to fly under the radar, unassuming and apolitical, so as not to draw any ire towards her, her story, or her background. 

Suddenly, a seemingly simple conversation during a work meeting—let’s set up the Juneteenth display Monday morning—becomes an emotional landmine.

Dr. Schwartz writes, “Many of the stories managers tell us about ourselves come from our family or culture. Managers are the internalizers of our system– they open the door of our psyche and welcome in the values that surround us. They believe our survival depends on the mercy of the outside world, so they take on the voices of authority in an effort to get us to behave appropriately.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 10 - Kindle)

Common manager roles are: critics, taskmasters, approval seekers, pessimists, caregivers, and victims. 

Firefighters, on the other hand, “Do whatever it takes to deliver us out of the red-alert condition. What’s your first impulse when you begin to feel the desperate burning of hurt, emptiness, worthlessness, shame, rejection, loneliness, or fear? Which urge do you act upon to take away that fire in your belly? Which ones do you only fantasize about?

Many of us, in a compromise with our managers, binge on something more socially acceptable– work, food, exercise, television, shopping, dieting, flirting, sleeping, prescription drugs, cigarettes, coffee, daydreams and fantasies, gambling, meditating, or thrill-seeking activities– in an effort to distract from the flames until they burn themselves out or are doused. When our effort doesn’t work, our firefighters will resort to more drastic and less acceptable means, such as illegal drugs, alcohol, suicidal thoughts or behavior, rage and acts of domination, self-mutilation, compulsive sexual activity, secret affairs, stealing, or getting into punitive relationships…Firefighters will use virtually any thought, activity, or substance if it works.

For some people, firefighters use the body. Sudden pains or illnesses can be effective distractions. Firefighters can amplify physical pain or disease that already exists, lower resistance to viruses or bacteria, or push physiological buttons that trigger genetic conditions. From this perspective, the dualistic notion that it’s either in your head or it’s biochemical uselessly dichotomizes a deeply interwoven relationship between body and mind. Our parts profoundly affect our physiology and vice versa. How we treat our bodies–what we ingest and how much we sleep, exercise, work, dance, get massaged, and meditate–strongly affects how calm or upset different parts are…

It’s important to remember, however, that no matter how compassionately you treat your firefighters, they won’t be able to change as long as there’s a fire to be fought. In other words, until the exiles that they protect or distract you from are healed, your firefighters will still have the same old impulses.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 118-119 - Kindle)

The gift of awareness is that, “Once released from their extreme roles, firefighters [and managers] often transform into our most lively, joyful, and resilient parts. They become passionately engaged in life and can be powerful motivators. Think of what your life might be like if all the energy you spend, for example, angrily stewing about what others have done to you or obsessively daydreaming about your missing soulmate, were available to you in the present moment and were channeled toward fully enjoying whatever you are doing now. What if the strength of your urge to binge became a confidence and focus that helped you connect with people? 

As hard as it may be to believe, such transformations are possible because these parts are much more than the roles they have been forced into.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 123 - Kindle)

It is as poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote, “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”

With gratitude,