19. Is love enough?

Hi friends,

Welcome to the nineteenth dispatch of How Humans Flourish, a research-informed newsletter on how humans thrive.

I was recently asked what I think this newsletter does well, which is an incredibly yummy question. If I had to summarize it succinctly, I believe this weekly dispatch illuminates how our mind, body, and spirit (if you believe in it) communicate with one another…how they sometimes write poetic love letters to each other, and how they sometimes bellow in an incoherent rage. 

How Humans Flourish is interested in looking at the incoherence, peeling back the layers, and seeing what remedies, if any, can get us back to that place of sweet, flirty poetry. 

The research is very clear– there is a biological roadmap for why we are what we are, and much of that roadmap was created during our childhoods. From the healthy to not so healthy bacteria ecosystems developed in our guts to our ability to emotionally self-regulate, all of this happened before we could even form full-fledged sentences.

But, the research is also very clear in showing that a lot of our biology is modifiable if we’re open and curious enough to look clearly at the habits, patterns, and environments that reinforce the incoherence. 

There is, in fact, a method to the madness.

Harvard’s Five Pillars of Human Flourishing are the lynchpin of this newsletter, because they provide the formula for optimal wellbeing. 

1. Close social relationships, 

2. Character and virtue, 

3. Meaning and purpose, 

4. Physical and mental health, and 

5. Happiness and life satisfaction 

When I first started reading human flourishing literature years ago, a lot surprised me. Turns out wanting to be happy is not vapid. The desire to live a life of immense meaning is not a luxury, and the profound longing to see and be seen by a great love is not weak.

In fact, neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine would say we are biologically programmed for it. 

Now, if 25 year old Melissa were reading this, this is where she’d unsubscribe. 

Biologically programmed for great love!? Who has the time? I had a world to conquer!

In our book for May, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, authors Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller write, “We live in a culture that seems to scorn basic needs for intimacy, closeness, and especially dependency, while exalting independence. We tend to accept this attitude as truth—to our detriment.” 

They continue, “The erroneous belief that all people should be emotionally self-sufficient is not new. Not too long ago in Western society people believed that children would be happier if they were left to their own devices and taught to soothe themselves...In the 1940s experts warned that ‘coddling’ would result in needy and insecure children who would become emotionally unhealthy and maladjusted adults…Before the groundbreaking work of Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, the founders of attachment theory in the fifties and sixties, psychologists had no appreciation of the importance of the bond between parent and child.” However Bowlby, “observed that even infants who had all of their nutritional needs taken care of but lacked an attachment figure (such as infants raised in institutions or displaced during the Second World War) failed to develop normally. They showed stunted physical, intellectual, emotional, and social development. Ainsworth’s and Bowlby’s studies made it clear that the connection between infant and caretaker was as essential for the child’s survival as food and water.” (Heller and Levine, pg. 21 - Kindle)

What’s more, Dr. Levine and Heller argue that this need for attachment does not simply end once a child has grown up. 

They write, “Attachment theory is based on the assertion that the need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes…we’ve been programmed by evolution to single out a few specific individuals in our lives and make them precious to us. We’ve been bred to be dependent on a significant other. The need starts in the womb and ends when we die. Bowlby proposed that throughout evolution, genetic selection favored people who became attached because it provided a survival advantage. In prehistoric times, people who relied only on themselves and had no one to protect them were more likely to end up as prey. More often than not, those who were with somebody who deeply cared about them survived to pass on to their offspring the preference to form intimate bonds. In fact, the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic partners). This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones…

Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.” (Heller and Levine, pg. 25-26 - Kindle)

25 year old Melissa used to drink the happiness should come from within and should not be dependent on anyone else kool-aid from the water hose. But, not only did she not understand our biological imperative to bond, but she missed something even more profound:  

The desire to go boldly out into the world and make something of herself? 

Easier done in partnership. Well, easier done in healthy partnership.

Dr. Levine and Heller describe the results from “strange situation tests” where researchers observe children playing with toys. They observe as the child’s mother, quietly sitting nearby, suddenly gets up and leaves the room. The child, realizing mommy’s gone, sobs uncontrollably and is inconsolable by research assistants. However, once the mother returns, the child allows herself to be comforted by her mother and once calm, returns to play in peace.

What was discovered is that “children’s exploratory drive—their ability to play and learn—could be aroused or stifled by their mother’s presence or departure.” Just “having an attachment figure in the room was enough to allow a child to go out into a previously unknown environment and explore with confidence. This presence is known as a secure base. It is the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100 percent certainty and turn to in times of need. A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn…

Brooke Feeney, the director of the Carnegie Mellon University Relationship Lab, illustrates how a secure base works in adult relationships…In one of her studies, Dr. Feeney asked couples to discuss their personal goals and exploratory opportunities with one another in the lab. When participants felt that their goals were supported by their partner, they reported an increase in self-esteem and an elevated mood after the discussion. They also rated higher the likelihood of achieving their goals after the discussion than before it. Participants who felt that their partner was more intrusive and/or less supportive, on the other hand, were less open to discussing their goals, did not confidently examine ways for achieving those goals, and tended to downgrade their goals during the course of the discussion…

Other experiments produced even more far-reaching results. Brian Baker, a psychiatrist and researcher at the University of Toronto, studies psychiatric aspects of heart disease and hypertension and, in particular, the way in which marital discord and job strain affect blood pressure. In one of his studies, Dr. Baker found that if you have a mild form of high blood pressure, being in a satisfying marriage is good for you; spending time in the presence of your partner actually benefits you by lowering your blood pressure to healthier levels. If, on the other hand, you are not satisfied with your marriage, contact with your partner will actually raise your blood pressure, which will remain elevated as long as you are in physical proximity! The implications of this study are profound: When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments…

Not only do our partners influence how we feel about ourselves but also the degree to which we believe in ourselves and whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams. Having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feels comfortable acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer. Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health.” (Heller and Levine, pg. 30-31 - Kindle)

So, how do you know whether your love (and the love around you) grows or stymies?

We’ll dig into this next week.

With gratitude,