24. Babies raising babies

Hi friends,

Welcome to the twenty-fourth dispatch of How Humans Flourish, a research-informed newsletter on how humans thrive.

For the month of June, we’ve been reading Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Dr. Richard Schwartz as it provides a profound framework to develop a relationship with the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that make up our “inner world.”

In one of break*through’s virtual support groups, a participant aptly commented, “I never really realized that my feelings come from somewhere. They are not just naturally ‘there,’ they are a result of other factors, and if they are uncomfortable or painful, I can change them.”

It’s a beautiful realization, because so often we have “the misconception that our extreme emotions and beliefs [anger, fear, self-hate, and sense of worthlessness] are what they seem to be…”

If we see these emotions and beliefs as ‘natural’, “it makes sense to try to use your ‘willpower’ to lock them out, argue with them, or counter them with positive thoughts. It makes sense to form an authoritarian, coercive, or dismissive relationship with them because they seem like the enemy within. An unfortunate by-product of that approach, however, is that you will form similar relationships with people around you who embody qualities of those enemies inside you. You’ll become critical of or impatient with anyone who seems fearful, self-deprecating, ashamed, or aggressive.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 21 - Kindle)

Intellectually this makes sense, but of course, the follow-up question becomes: When we say we can change thoughts, feelings, or sensations…what are we changing them to exactly? What are we moving towards?

Dr. Schwartz would say we are not moving towards something, but rather releasing our Self, which he defines as “the soul that spiritual traditions talk about but that most psychotherapies don’t acknowledge.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 12 - Kindle)

The Self is unsullied by trauma, external expectations, and our past experiences. It cannot be legislated, regulated, or controlled. It is, in the purest form, the best of our humanity.

I’ve found when working with people to choose better, healthier options for themselves, there comes a point when you inevitably meet the guard (or guards) sitting at the entrance of the psyche.

The guards’ questions are complex and varied, but they tend to circle around the following overarching themes:

1. What do I fundamentally believe about the nature of the world? 

2. What do I fundamentally believe about myself and my place in the world? And does what you’re saying align with what I believe?

3. What does the culture I most identify with believe about you and what you’re telling me?

4. Will what you are offering bring me closer to social acceptance or will it isolate me from my tribe?

5. How do I know this is safe?

Dr. Schwartz writes, “Because we have all been hurt in similar ways, our internal systems organize into similar patterns. Protective parts of you have been forced into roles that are similar to parts of mine. The difference in how we operate is largely related to differences in the roles of the parts that dominate us. I [Dr. Schwartz] tend to be shy, so the part of me that discourages social risks is strong. It’s forever telling me I’ll be rejected, so I shouldn’t try. I also have a part that likes people and can be quite outgoing. In that polarization, the shy pessimist usually trumps. You may be the opposite, leading with a personable part that generally overrides your pessimist, so you’re considered an extrovert. From this perspective, any categorization of personality styles–whether the Enneagram, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the Myers-Briggs, or others–is a description of the ways people’s parts have organized.

In the IFS map, the protected parts are called exiles because they are the vulnerable ones that we try to lock up in inner prisons or leave frozen in the past. Two kinds of parts protect exiles and also protect the system from them: managers and firefighters.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 94 - Kindle)

On exiles, Dr. Schwartz explains, “Many of us grew up in cultures and families where we’ve absorbed a great deal of disdain for weakness and impatience with emotional pain…So we try to exile the fallout from dreadful episodes in the past. But in doing that, we’re exiling not only memories, sensations, and emotions but also the parts of us that were hurt most by those events…These are often our most sensitive, innocent, open, and intimacy-seeking parts, which contain qualities such as liveliness, playfulness, spontaneity, creativity, and joie de vivre. Because these parts were so sensitive and open, they felt the impact of our traumas the most and were stuck carrying the memories, sensations, and emotions of those events. They are childlike, and like traumatized children, they are changed by the incidents…” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 96 - Kindle)

Because we keep our exiles locked far away, while our bodies and intellect mature, our exiles do not. In fact, because our exiles are like, “difficult children who disrupt the household, who require a great deal of expense and attention, or embarrass us, we attempt to leave them in the place where they were hurt and move on…

It’s important to remember that from the perspective of Western psychology, exiling makes perfect sense. If you only have one mind, and you are plagued by troublesome thoughts or emotions, why not try to get rid of them? If thinking about something tragic upsets you, why not train yourself not to think about it and instead to think about something that makes you feel good? That would be the way to go if it worked, and in a limited way it can work, at least for a while.

…Actually, most of us don’t mind because we don’t know any better. We feel okay most of the time, and we’re surviving life. We’re doing as well as most people around us. Maybe we have physical or emotional symptoms, but we never connect those to the energy it takes to suppress large portions of our mind…The irony is that once you start the exiling process, it reinforces itself. After they are locked away, those exiles can endanger your system or at least impair your ability to function…They make us feel and act in ways that people disdain or take advantage of– they make us vulnerable, weak, needy, sad, withdrawn, and ashamed. Some of them are so desperate for love that they will steer us toward, or keep us in, hurtful relationships just to get a little affection...” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 97 - Kindle)

When I, Melissa, think back to moments in my life I’m most embarrassed by, it’s because I acted in ways that were childish, that were insensitive, or that demonstrated a lack of self-awareness. In effect, I acted “outside” of my Self.

Remember the pivotal questions those guards protecting our psyche ask? Well, if we are answering those questions from “a part” that is not of the Self, this means our beliefs about safety, worthiness, and belonging are going to be quite…complicated.

Dr. Schwartz writes, “For those that identify as men, vulnerability means instant humiliation. In our culture, being a man means being able to quickly cut off from hurt feelings without a whimper…I believe our culture forces men more than women to exile their vulnerable parts. Women are socialized to exile other parts, like their assertiveness or power, but in some socioeconomic circles that seems to be changing… 

Fortunately, however, releasing exiles is part of a process that transforms them into their original vital states, so it is well worth the effort. But most people have little trust in that possibility, so it’s a hard sell. You are being asked to go toward your pain, which runs counter to the way you’ve lived your whole life.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 100 - Kindle)

This work is humbling, because regardless of one’s status, tax bracket, or pedigree, all of us have exiles. But this work is also inspiring, because we all have a Self. 

Dr. Schwartz reflects, “The most amazing thing of all was that once in that Self state, clients seemed to know just what to do or say…It gradually became clear that I didn’t have to teach them how to relate differently to these thoughts and emotions they were calling parts; either they would automatically begin doing what the part needed or they would begin asking questions that would lead to ways of helping the part. My job was mainly to try to help clients remain in the state of Self and then get out of their way as they became therapists to their own parts. 

After you get to know your own Self, you can sense when some degree of Self is present in people around you and when it’s not. A person who is leading with the Self is easy to identify. To rephrase a joke, you get the impression that ‘the lights are on and someone is home.’ Others describe such a person as open, confident, and accepting–as having presence. You feel immediately at ease when someone is Self-led, sensing that it is safe to relax and release your own Self.” (Dr. Schwartz, pg. 18-33 Kindle)

So, now that we’ve met our exiles, next week we’ll meet our managers and firefighters, the parts of ourselves working overtime to keep the exiles at bay.

Until next week, friends.

With gratitude,